By Onyx Dragon – Interdimensional Noise Survivor & Tea Connoisseur
Across the known (and unknown) galaxies, from realms where dragons sip espresso on mountaintops to dystopias run by sentient Ikea furniture, I never thought the loudest, most chaotic force in the universe would be… my upstairs neighbour.
Let’s call him Chad Prime. Chad Prime, the man, the myth, the bedroom menace.
This guy doesn’t make love—he hosts sonic warfare. His bed must be reinforced with vibranium and bad decisions, because every night it’s like a Quake III tournament with extra groaning and mysterious thudding. I swear on my entire tea collection, I thought we were experiencing tectonic activity—turns out it was just another “intimate” Tuesday night.
Even the Borg—yes, the emotionless, hive-minded cyborgs who literally conquer civilizations—showed up at my front door and said, “We seek to assimilate your neighbour… solely to disable his subwoofer.”
And that TV volume? Don’t get me started. It’s so offensively loud that even Valhalla-7 metalheads with titanium eardrums are filing noise complaints from across the wormhole. One showed up at my door, holding a guitar-shaped axe and said, “Onyx, we play deathcore in vacuum-sealed domes. That guy? He’s the real horror.”
To clarify:
- The TV is louder than a warp core breach.
- The bedroom noise is louder than a kaiju mating call.
- The thuds make it sound like he’s fighting crime with a futon.
I’ve tried everything:
- Earplugs? Might as well be cotton candy.
- Soundproofing? The bass melted it.
- Spiritual cleansing? The sage caught fire.
At this rate, I’m thinking of alchemically transmuting my walls into neutronium—or summoning a demon with a taste for amateur acoustics. Anything to restore the soundscape of peace.
So Chad Prime, if you ever stumble across this post in between… whatever you do up there, just know this: even cosmic entities want you to chill. The eldritch forces of the multiverse have reached consensus: you’re too damn loud.
Anyway, tune in next week when I attempt to extract clean energy from his mattress vibrations. Might as well make the most of the apocalypse, right?
Until then…
✨ Stay magical, stay fierce—just not THAT loud.
– Onyx Dragon
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