As any self-respecting geek knows, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home saw Captain Kirk and his intrepid crew boldly going where no Starfleet officer had gone before—San Francisco, 1986. Their mission? To retrieve a pair of humpback whales and save Earth from an angry, whale-seeking space probe. Classic Trek nonsense, and we love it.
But I have a theory. What if Kirk and company actually miscalculated their time travel destination? What if the real whale-like noise that should have attracted their attention wasn’t from an endangered species in the Pacific Ocean, but from my upstairs neighbour?
Yes, you heard me. Judging by the guttural, bass-heavy rumblings emanating from above my flat, I’m convinced Kirk, Spock, and the gang went about 40 years too early. Because if anyone is communicating with a deep-space intelligence via obnoxiously loud subwoofers, it’s this guy.
The Evidence:
- His sound system rivals an intergalactic distress signal. The sheer depth and resonance of the bass suggests either an unnatural connection to marine life or an attempt to contact a higher alien power. Or maybe he just thinks every evening is an underground rave.
- He has the lung capacity of a blue whale. I have never heard a human shout for so long and at such ridiculous volumes. He either moonlights as a foghorn or is, in fact, a disguised space mammal. The kind that could power an entire movie plot.
- Much like the space probe in Star Trek IV, he refuses to be ignored. You can try diplomacy, you can try noise complaints, but nothing stops the relentless, omnipresent whale song from above. I suspect even Uhura would struggle to make sense of his acoustic emissions.
Conclusion:
We can’t blame Kirk for getting it wrong—calculating time travel is tricky at the best of times. But if he happens to drop by now, I’d be happy to beam my neighbour straight into a containment tank aboard the Enterprise. Or at least into the vacuum of space, where his bass-heavy transmissions can be truly appreciated by the cosmos.
So, Captain, if you’re reading this: set phasers to relocate, because we’ve got the real-time-traveling whale problem right here. Oh, and while you’re at it, be a good sport and drop off a couple of phaser rifles. Just in case negotiations break down.
Also, just to throw in another thought—if the Borg happened to show up a bit prematurely for first contact, I’d be happy to watch them try to assimilate him. But given how loud his transmissions are, they might just consider him too chaotic to process!
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