Ah, Inverclyde. Land of rolling hills, scenic Clyde views, and the sweet, lingering scent of “remember when we had jobs?” Yes, once upon a time, Greenock was the proud host of industry giants—IBM, Tate & Lyle, and those glorious shipyards where people built boats bigger than their flats. But alas, times have changed, and so has the job market. So, how can Inverclyde turn the tide (pun fully intended) and boost its employment prospects in this brave new world?
Fear not, dear reader! I’ve put on my most ridiculous thinking cap (a tam o’shanter with LED lights) and come up with some highly professional suggestions to give Inverclyde the employment glow-up it deserves.
1. The Netflix of Neds
Let’s be honest—we’ve all seen a ned in the wild who could easily win an Oscar for their performance outside the chippy at 2 a.m. So why not monetize it? Launch a local streaming service: “Nedflix: Tales from the Scheme.” Original series like Buckfast & Betrayal, Grand Theft Scooter, and Council House of the Dragon could rake in the viewers. Jobs for actors, camera crew, and someone to teach the neds how to press “record.”
2. Shipyard Cosplay Tourism
We may not build ships anymore, but nostalgia’s hot right now. Why not create an immersive experience where tourists can pretend to build a ship while someone shouts at them in fluent Glaswegian? Throw in a rusted wrench, a high-vis vest, and a voucher for a Gregg’s sausage roll, and boom—instant employment. Shipyard LARPing is the future.
3. Cruise Ship Hustle: Welcome Aboard, Ya Dafty!
You’ve seen them—the cruise ships the size of a small town docking at Greenock, spilling out tourists ready to be traumatised by our seagulls and windburn. Time to capitalise! We need authentic Inverclyde experiences. Tours titled “Tenements & Tales: Urban Legends & Council Complaints”. Sell “I got lost in Greenock and survived” T-shirts. Set up pop-up stalls with deep-fried everything and interactive experiences like “Pose with a wheelie bin while shouting at your ex.” Let’s turn Greenock’s rawness into rugged charm.
4. Tattie Scone Tech Startups
The hipsters of London and Berlin are obsessed with avocado toast and vegan cheese. Let’s beat them at their own game with a line of artisanal tattie scone-based apps. How about SconeSwipe—the dating app that matches you based on how you like your breakfast roll? Or Tattify, the app that lets you trade scone-based NFTs (Non-Frying Tattie objects). Don’t ask how it works. It’s the blockchain. Just nod and pretend.
5. Advanced Seagull Diplomacy
Greenock’s seagulls are already local legends. Train them as tourist guides. Or better yet, give them managerial roles in call centres. “Sorry sir, I’ll transfer you to my supervisor, Steven the Gull. He’s just finishing off a Greggs steak bake.” Equal opportunities for birds and humans alike.
6. Wholesome Crime
Look, we’re not saying crime should be encouraged, but if you’re going to do it, why not make it cute? Imagine a whole industry built around “adorable misdemeanours”: knitting graffiti, unsolicited compliments in dark alleys, minor jaywalking while wearing tartan onesies. It’s like Banksy meets Still Game. Plus, courts will need staff, jails will need decorators, and someone’s got to make the apology cupcakes.
7. Inverclyde Space Agency
If Elon Musk can do it, why not Port Glasgow? We’ve already got the rain for testing waterproof space suits. Just slap together some old ferry parts, add duct tape, and launch a cow into the stratosphere. Even if it doesn’t work, it’ll bring in tourists and give someone a job as “Head of Moo-ssion Control.”
8. AI-Powered Psychic Mediums
Combine local spiritualism with modern tech. Picture this: an AI trained on your Auntie Moira’s gossip, predicting your future with unnerving accuracy. “Aye hen, you’re gonna meet a tall, dark stranger… probably at Aldi, aisle 3.” Create a call centre for AI psychics. Offer tarot readings powered by machine learning and drama.
Final Thoughts
The jobs of the past may have sailed down the Clyde, but Inverclyde still has that scrappy, sarcastic, salt-of-the-earth energy that could fuel a whole economy—preferably one involving chips, banter, and a bit of organised chaos. Between the cruise ship tourists desperate for authenticity, tech-savvy tattie scones, and a seagull-led space program, the future’s looking… weird. But in a good way.
Because if there’s one thing we know how to do in Inverclyde, it’s make something out of nothing—especially if there’s a square sausage and a scheme-level sense of humour involved.
Let me know if you want this turned into a graphic post, TikTok script, or local satire zine. We can call it “The Gourock Gazette: News You Can’t Unread.”
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