I don’t really know how disturbed I should be by this one.
Like genuinely — confused? Concerned? Mildly alarmed? A bit hungry?
It started off as most chats do:
“Can you deliver to Bristol?”
(Also Bradford-on-Avon, for good measure.)
Sure, cool. We deliver UK-wide. No problem.
Then it got… weird.
“Right okay. Can I order a 10L Simmenthal and a 12 pack of Red Bull?”
“Oh and Scrumpatch Kids.”
Right. So for context: we’re a holistic shop.
Crystals? Yes.
Herbal tea? Absolutely.
Bath bombs? Of course.
But Red Bull and tinned Italian beef jelly? Not unless we’ve had a major identity crisis.
So I replied as gently as I could:
“We don’t sell groceries of any kind.”
And that’s when it happened:
“Well BigShagger on YouTube told me you do.”
Oh. Well. If BigShagger said so…
Naturally, my entire understanding of my own business had to be re-evaluated.
I tried explaining again.
“I just can’t see it on your site so you obviously do.”
Obviously.
Because if it’s not on the site, clearly it must be there. Just… invisible.
Now, in case you’re wondering: yes, BigShagger is a real person.
And yes — this is the same BigShagger who made headlines in March after being arrested for trying to smuggle cigarettes into the country hidden inside pasta.
Yes. Pasta.
Because when you think “high-stakes international contraband,” your first thought is rigatoni.
So, we now had a customer quoting the culinary cartel of YouTube fame as a trusted source.
And they were absolutely convinced we were moonlighting as a corner shop.
Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get stranger:
“I was told you do vodka and that’s what I need.”
Right.
And now we’ve graduated from beef jelly to spirits.
I reminded them we don’t sell vodka either, and have never sold alcohol or groceries of any kind.
“I’ll have to talk to him. He’s been very rude lately — especially with the babies.”
…
At this point, I gave up trying to find the logic.
There are some sentences that require more therapy than explanation.
So let me be extremely clear:
- ❌ We don’t sell Simmenthal
- ❌ We don’t sell Red Bull
- ❌ We don’t sell Sourpatch Kids (whatever that is)
- ❌ We do not collaborate with pasta-based smugglers
- ✅ We do sell ethical bath bombs, calming teas, incense, and crystals
- ✅ None of which are edible. Please don’t try.
And to BigShagger: if you’re reading this from your holding cell… please stop marketing for us.
#Hashtags:
#WeirdestLiveChat #SimmenthalSaga #BigShaggerSaidSo #PastaSmuggler #BathBombsNotBeef #CustomerServiceChronicles #OnyxDragon #VodkaAndRedBullWut #RavioliRacket