Lately, I’ve been hearing from a few people that they perceive me as abrasive. This was both eye-opening and a bit disheartening because that’s never my intention. But, after reflecting, I realized that my way of communicating—sometimes more blunt and direct than others might expect—can come across in a way I didn’t anticipate. This is something that often happens for many of us who are autistic, especially when we feel guarded, and it’s important to recognize that it’s not always about being rude or dismissive. It’s just how we process and express ourselves.
Understanding Why Guardedness Might Be Perceived as Abrasive
For those of us on the autism spectrum, being “guarded” is often a form of self-protection. Whether it’s from sensory overload, social anxiety, or past negative experiences, we tend to keep a distance from others as a way to preserve our emotional safety. However, this can sometimes come across as defensive or even cold.
- Direct communication: Autistic individuals often prefer to speak plainly. We tend to cut through the fluff and get straight to the point, which may feel harsh to some people.
- Body language and tone: For many autistic individuals, facial expressions and tone of voice aren’t always aligned with the emotions we’re trying to express. This can make us seem less warm or engaged, even when we don’t mean to be.
- Struggles with social cues: I may not always notice when I’ve crossed a social line or misread someone else’s feelings, leading to interactions that feel awkward or abrasive.
I’ve come to understand that while my intentions are almost always neutral or positive, my communication style can unintentionally create a perception of being abrasive. It’s something I’m learning to manage.
How to Adjust Without Losing Yourself
After some reflection, I’ve been exploring ways to soften my interactions without compromising who I am or feeling like I’m hiding my true self. Here are some strategies that have been helping me, and maybe they can help others too:
1. Own Your Communication Style
I’ve realized that acknowledging my communication style upfront can help people understand that my directness isn’t a reflection of my feelings towards them. Sometimes, simply saying something like, “I tend to be pretty direct—it’s just how I process things. Please don’t take it the wrong way,” can help set the tone for clearer communication. It doesn’t feel like masking—just a way to create space for understanding.
2. Use Grounding or Buffer Phrases
To soften my tone a bit, I’ve started adding simple phrases to my sentences to make sure I’m not coming off as too harsh. Things like:
- “Just to be clear, I’m not upset—”
- “I hope this doesn’t come across as too blunt—”
- “I’m trying to be honest here, not harsh—”
It’s not about sugar-coating the truth but helping others feel more comfortable with my words. These little changes can make a big difference.
3. Practice Reflective Listening
One thing that’s been helpful is using reflective listening. This involves acknowledging the other person’s point before I respond. A simple, “I see what you’re saying. That makes sense. Here’s how I view it…” helps to make the conversation feel less one-sided and shows that I’m actively engaging.
4. Set Boundaries with Warmth
Being guarded doesn’t mean I have to be cold or distant. I’ve found that setting boundaries in a warm, straightforward way can help preserve my emotional space without coming off as unfriendly:
- “I’m not comfortable going into detail right now, but I appreciate you asking.”
- “I need some time to think before I respond—hope that’s okay.”
Setting boundaries is a necessary part of my self-care, but I’ve learned that it’s possible to do so in a way that still feels respectful and considerate.
5. Practice with Trusted People
Sometimes, it’s easier to practice new communication habits with people I trust. I’ve started asking close friends and family for honest feedback on how I come across. This has been an invaluable way to test what works and what doesn’t without feeling like I’m constantly second-guessing myself.
Conclusion
If you’ve been told that you seem abrasive or hard to approach, it can sting. But I’ve come to realize that it’s often a misunderstanding of intentions. Being direct, guarded, or emotionally protective doesn’t make us “difficult”—it just means we interact with the world differently.
By adjusting a few small things—acknowledging our communication style, adding buffer phrases, or being mindful of how we set boundaries—we can make a positive impact on how others perceive us, while still staying true to ourselves. It’s about finding a balance that feels authentic and keeps our emotional safety intact.
If you relate to this, know that you’re not alone, and there are ways to create more understanding in our conversations without sacrificing who we are. It’s a learning process, but with time, we can all get better at expressing ourselves in ways that are both true to us and compassionate toward others.
#AutismAwareness #GuardedAutistics #AutisticCommunication #SelfExpression #AutismAndSocialPerception #Neurodiversity #DirectCommunication #SocialSkills #AutisticSelfCare #AutismAcceptance