“You travel 200 miles on foot through medieval England, and suddenly you’re the bad guy for borrowing a horse.”
Ah, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves — that glorious early ’90s masterpiece where Kevin Costner plays Robin Hood with a very consistent… Californian accent. You remember the moment: Robin escapes a Turkish prison, lands on English soil at the Cliffs of Dover, kisses the dirt, and bam — he’s in Sherwood Forest like it’s a neighborhood jog.
Wait, what?
Let’s pull out a real map (you know, the papery kind with dragons on the edges) and take a little historical hike to see how long this journey would actually take. Spoiler alert: not just a musical montage.
📍 Dover to Sherwood Forest: The Great British Hike
What the movie implies:
- Robin and Azeem land in Dover.
- They spend roughly three minutes walking through a field.
- They’re magically in Nottinghamshire.
Reality check:
- Distance: 200+ miles
- Terrain: Not scenic meadows. Think boggy fields, open farmland, nosy peasants, and about five different kinds of medieval animal dung.
- On foot: Yes. On. Foot. No Uber. No carriage. Just blisters and damp socks.
🧭 Medieval Google Maps Would Say…
If we break it down sensibly — and add all the things the movie ignores — here’s how long it might have taken our heroic duo:
Assuming:
- Walking 10–15 miles per day
- Hunting your own food (Tesco didn’t deliver in 1194)
- Avoiding towns because people suck
- Occasionally borrowing (ahem stealing) a horse
- Going to the toilet like a human being
- Sleeping rough with a stick as your pillow
Real travel time:
🕰️ 18 to 22 days
That’s almost a month of tramping across England, not including Robin’s possible detours to dramatically pose on hillsides while orchestral music plays.
🐴 Horse Theft, The Robin Hood Way™
Let’s be honest: Robin and Azeem probably stole a horse or two. It’s practically in the job description.
They’d maybe ride 30–40 miles in a day — assuming they didn’t get chased by an angry noble, trampled by a mule, or bitten by a highly territorial goose. Horses would speed things up, but let’s not pretend medieval England was crawling with unguarded stallions.
Conclusion:
- They probably swiped a couple horses
- Rode till it got dangerous
- Hid the horses and kept walking
- Still took ages
🌍 England in 1194: It’s Mostly Open, Sorry
Forget the endless woodland dream of Sherwood. Medieval England wasn’t a tree-filled paradise — it was mostly farmland, with scattered copses and overworked hedgerows.
So instead of creeping through enchanted forests, Robin and Azeem were more likely:
- Darting across open fields while crows mocked them
- Hiding in ditches
- Hoping the next village didn’t assume they were plague-ridden sorcerers
Open ground = fewer places to hide. Kind of a bummer when you’re being hunted and wearing a giant Moorish robe.
💩 Realistic Daily Schedule
Here’s a totally accurate medieval survival itinerary for your average ex-Crusader outlaw:
| Time of Day | Activity |
|---|---|
| Dawn | Wake up sore in a bush |
| Morning | Walk 6 miles and nearly step on a hedgehog |
| Midday | Forage for mushrooms you pray aren’t deadly |
| Afternoon | Run from a patrol, hide in manure |
| Evening | Catch a rabbit, cook it, burn it |
| Night | Sleep on twigs, whisper “I miss baths” |
This repeats every day for three weeks.
🍞 Where’s the Food Coming From?
Medieval England didn’t have Greggs. Robin and Azeem had to:
- Forage (risky)
- Hunt (hard)
- Steal (dangerous)
- Beg (humiliating)
- Eat dry bread they forgot in a saddlebag
Oh, and cooking a rabbit stew with flint, smoke, and zero seasoning? Yeah, that’s taking at least an hour, if they don’t set the forest on fire first.
🛏️ Sleep: Not Even Once
Forget hammocks. Forget cozy lean-tos. They’re sleeping on:
- Dirt
- Moss
- The occasional log
- Under trees
- Inside half-ruined barns if they’re lucky
And always: ready to run. If they get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, it’s a miracle.
⚓ And Wait — Why Dover?
This one’s the kicker.
Dover is practically the worst port to choose if you’re trying to reach Nottinghamshire.
Other, closer medieval ports:
| Port | Miles to Sherwood |
|---|---|
| Boston (Lincolnshire) | ~60 miles |
| King’s Lynn (Norfolk) | ~70 miles |
| London | ~130 miles |
| Rye/Sandwich | Still closer than Dover |
| Dover | ~200+ miles. Good job, Robin. 👏 |
So why land in Dover? Because cinema, baby. Nothing says “Welcome to England” like dramatic white cliffs and seagulls screaming at you.
🎬 The Montage Lie
Hollywood loves a good travel montage, but let’s be clear: if the movie showed everything Robin and Azeem really went through, the audience would’ve aged in real-time.
Instead, we get:
- One scenic field
- A sunset
- Morgan Freeman saying something wise
- BAM — they’re in Sherwood
Actual walking, peeing, horse-stealing, and getting rained on? All cut for time.
🏹 Final Verdict: Robin Needed Better Footwear
Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood may have been noble, brave, and weirdly accent-resistant — but logistically, he should’ve arrived at Sherwood:
- 15 pounds lighter
- Mentally unwell
- Covered in insect bites
- Swearing in Latin
So the next time you watch Prince of Thieves and wonder how they got from Dover to Sherwood in a single afternoon — remember: they didn’t.
They just skipped the real journey and walked into legend (and a whole lot of dramatic fog machines).
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