So, here’s the situation. We have a vision—a bold, brilliant, slightly ridiculous vision—to create a mixed-use property with a shop, a living space, and a garage big enough to house an Enviro 400 eV bus.
Why? Because we want to take our business on the road—bringing our tea, coffee, and holistic products to events, festivals, markets, and anywhere else people might need a caffeine boost or a moment of zen.
But, as you may have guessed, this is going to cost some serious money.
First Hurdle: We Need to Learn to Drive
Now, before we can even think about piloting a double-decker bus filled with ethically sourced coffee and herbal tea, we have to pass a minor inconvenience known as the driving test.
Sadly, they won’t let us skip straight to bus driving lessons (we asked), so we first need:
- Car lessons and license (£2,000) – Baby steps.
- Bus lessons and license (£5,000) – The grand finale.
This means that, before we even touch the bus, we have to survive parallel parking in a normal car, which honestly feels like the biggest challenge of them all.
The Property: A Home for the Shop, the Bus, and Us
We need a brick-and-mortar shop because sometimes people like to shop in a building that doesn’t have wheels. This means buying a property, setting up the shop, and making it functional for both in-person customers and stock storage for our mobile shop.
💰 Property & Garage – £750,000 (Because parking a double-decker bus in a regular driveway isn’t an option!)
🛠 Brick-and-Mortar Shop Fittings & Furnishings – £50,000 (Shelves, counters, storage, display units, seating area, aesthetic “vibes”)
📦 Stock for Brick-and-Mortar Shop – £50,000 (Because selling air isn’t a great business model)
The Bus: Our Mobile Shop on Wheels
Now, onto the Enviro 400 eV bus, a fully electric, eco-friendly, mobile shop of the future. Imagine rolling up to an event, doors opening, coffee brewing, and people stepping onto a double-decker filled with handcrafted teas, organic coffee, and holistic products.
🚎 Enviro 400 eV Bus – £400,000 (It’s electric, it’s beautiful, and it’s ridiculously expensive)
🛠 Bus Shop Fittings & Conversion – £50,000 (Counters, shelving, storage, a serving station, and some way to keep stock from flying around while we’re driving)
📦 Stock for the Bus Shop – £30,000 (Because an empty bus is just a very expensive way to take naps)
And Let’s Not Forget… Insurance and Other “Fun” Costs
Because we live in the real world, we also need to insure the property, the bus, the stock, and our ability to function as humans.
🛡 Insurance (Property, Stock, Vehicles, and “Oops” Coverage) – £10,000+ (Yes, we fully expect at least one “oops” moment)
Grand Total: £1,347,000+ (Billionaires, Call Us!)
Now, some might say, “Isn’t this a bit excessive?” To which we respond:
- Yes. But in the best way.
- Would you rather see a boring, ordinary shop or a traveling, double-decker tea and coffee experience?
- If you’re going to dream, dream in HD with surround sound.
Our Billionaire Plan: How to Pitch This Idea
Since we’re officially in “we need a billionaire” territory, we’ve decided to strategically approach one. The plan?
- Find a billionaire who supports green energy, small businesses, and tea.
- Craft an email so persuasive that they’ll be too intrigued to ignore it.
- Casually mention that we already have a name for our custom billionaire blend coffee.
- Include a photo of a sad, empty bus with the caption “This could be filled with amazing tea, coffee, and good vibes.”
We’re still debating whether a dramatic PowerPoint presentation is necessary, but if it gets us funding, we’re all in.
Final Thoughts: Help Us, Billionaire. You’re Our Only Hope.
So here we are—a dream, a business plan, a budget that makes us want to cry a little, and an optimistic hope that someone out there has the funds and the heart to make this happen.
If that someone happens to be reading this—call us. We’ll even throw in free coffee for life.
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