A Totally Normal Tuesday Featuring Trolleys, Loo Rolls, and Existential Panic
It started, like all great suburban thrillers, with a knock at the door.
Birds chirped, my kettle was mid-scream, and life felt mildly predictable. I was in full “just popped out of a Zoom call” mode when I answered it — expecting maybe a delivery or someone trying to get me to switch to a different broadband provider.
Instead, I got:
“Excuse me… do you have any toilet paper?”
She was polite. Calm. Casual.
She had a mobile shopping trolley and the confidence of someone who definitely wasn’t asking a strange question on a stranger’s doorstep.
🧻 This Is How It Begins
I paused, mid-thought, somewhere between is this real life? and am I on camera?.
Let me be clear: this wasn’t a friend, a neighbor, or a recognizable local. This was a wandering woman on a quest for toilet tissue — and I, a humble loo-roll hoarder, was her next target.
Naturally, I did what any socially awkward Brit would do:
“Sorry… no.”
(A complete lie. I had a fresh 9-pack.)
Why did I lie? Because my fight-or-flight reflex doesn’t involve conflict — it involves making polite excuses and locking the door immediately after.
🕵️‍♀️ Theories That Keep Me Up at Night
After she wandered off with her trolley and no TP in sight, I began spiraling into a Pinterest board of paranoia. Here’s what I came up with:
1. The Distraction Decoy
While you’re grabbing a roll, her accomplice sneaks in through the back and nicks your iPad and your cat.
2. The Great Toilet Paper Census
She’s casing the neighborhood to locate who’s got the good stuff. Quilted elite? You’re on a list now.
3. Cult Recruitment
You think it’s just about toilet paper. Next thing you know, you’re wearing beige robes and chanting at the altar of Andrex.
4. The Ultimate Social Experiment
Is it kindness she’s testing? Gullibility? Preparedness for the next pandemic? Either way, I failed. Miserably.
🛡️ Safety Tips for Fellow Loo Roll Guardians
- Don’t open the door for strangers asking for household items. It’s not 1950 anymore.
- Hide your premium toilet paper. This is not a drill.
- Install a bidet. For hygiene, style, and bragging rights.
🧻✨ Join the Movement: N.A.R.L.R.R.
(Neighbours Against Random Loo Roll Requests)
Together, we can stop the spread of unsolicited bathroom inquiries.
Our slogan?
“Wipe wisely. Trust no trolley.”
We meet fortnightly via Zoom. BYOT (Bring Your Own Tissue).
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